Parenting
Parenting Article
II. Boundaries – What are they exactly?
Are you teaching your child boundaries?
“What are boundaries, exactly?” a friend once asked me. This man is a nuclear physicist, and somewhat brilliant. So his ignorance surprised me at first. But then I realized that “boundaries” is a word that can have different meanings.
Here are some different sorts of boundaries:
Disciplinary boundaries: These have to do with limits, and if a parent doesn’t enforce reasonable limits, we often say “She has no boundaries!”
So if she lets her child throw food and chew with his mouth open, it is the parent who lacks boundaries. The child is just ill-behaved.
Personal boundaries: This has to do with what we let out and what we let in. For instance, a person who tells you everything about themselves the first time you meet them may lack personal boundaries. On the other hand, some people reveal nothing about themselves, even to close friends. Not only is this person boring, she has “rigid boundaries.”
Emotional boundaries: In an interaction, what is you and what is me? The ability to think before we react helps us have better emotional boundaries. If someone is angry at me, am at fault? Or did she just have a fight with her boyfriend? A person with good emotional boundaries is not constantly overwhelmed by the emotionality of others.
Physical boundaries: Do you hug everyone you meet? Or are you reluctant to shake hands – even with people you know? Concern about cold germs aside, physical boundaries have to do with how much space you need between yourself and others.
Sexual boundaries: During the late 60’s having sexual boundaries was not cool. Now we know otherwise.
What sort of boundaries do you want to teach your child? Your child will absorb what she or he learns about boundaries from you, sort of like a sponge absorbs water.
In order to teach your child good boundaries, the best thing you can do is work on your own.
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Nan Musser is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in working with children and their families. She welcomes your comments and/or questions. Please submit questions and comments by email to: Nan Musser. When possible, your questions will be addressed on this website.
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